Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Oh yes, breaking up; one of the worst experiences we can have as a human being. Not too long ago, you were on top of the moon, high flying in love and connection and now, you feel like a little turd, squished under someone’s shoe, suffocating in your own misery. In the midst of a devastating break-up, the physical pain of a broken heart can pierce deeper than any surgery, broken bone or injury. We have all been there and we all know that it sucks universally. It never feels good to be the “breaker” or the “breakee”. Here is a little breakdown on to how to deal with both ends of heartbreak hotel and rise above with some modicum of equanimity.

 For the breaker:

Ÿ  As a man, do not come back for break-up sex when you are feeling lonely, doubtful of your decision, bored or horny. It cheapens you and makes her really foggy as to what you really want.

Ÿ  Be clear as to your decision to end the relationship and stick to it. Do not, under any circumstances, string her along when you are feeling unsure. It hurts her…it is unfair and will cause lasting resentments. She wants to be with you so she will overlook these inconsistencies in the earnest desire to be with you.

Ÿ  Do not emotionally boycott by not returning her calls, standing her up or being wishy-washy as to your feelings so she is left to do the dirty deed because you are too cowardly to do it yourself.

Ÿ  Break up with her in a private place where she is able to process what is going on rather than in public (like the mall, the office, or public transit) where she may run into someone she knows in an emotionally raw and vulnerable state. Give her a chance to be messy in private.

Ÿ  Do not break up with her on Facebook, Twitter, email or post-it notes. Yes, it sucks to have to stare your love in the eyes and tell her that you are not interested in her anymore. However, it is cowardly to do it any other way. Give her the chance to respond to you. It sucks to see her cry but it is worse than opening up an email from your beloved to find out that your relationship is no longer. You owe her that respect.

For the breakee

Ÿ  Give yourself a set amount of time to mourn the loss of the relationship and actually use that time. Men often emotionally bi-pass difficult experiences by delving into another relationship, indulging in unhealthy behaviors, or simply pushing painful emotions down.  In my wellness practice, I always say, better out than in. Get it out, brother.  It will make you healthier in the long run.

Ÿ  Talk to your friends, a therapist, or a brother about what you are feeling. Broken hearts hurt and it takes time, energy, and acceptance to get to the place of healing. Breaking up is like coming off of hard drugs without any methadone. Find someone to talk with it about in order to help make it easier.

Ÿ  See your part in the relationship and forgive yourself for all that you contributed to create that unhealthy dynamic. We are all human beings, trying to be the best we can be, with limited tools. Be gentle on yourself. The lessons will come.

Ÿ  Get rid of everything in your house that reminds you of her. Change your furniture around.  Get a new haircut.  Throw out stuff that no longer serves you. This is a new time in your life and it is important to mark that occasion by releasing all the things that you do not use, are broken, or are out of date. Make space for the new.

The only thing that I can guarantee is that everything changes. Whether you are deeply in love or nursing a shattered heart, all things will change. Be in the present moment and accept the gifts that are presently in your life. Be open to the wonders that are around you and trust, trust, trust that everything is happening for your greatest good. I believe that the universe is conspiring to make your life a happy one and sometimes that happiness comes with a few bumps (lessons) in the road. Be gentle. Love with an open heart. Trust life and don’t worry. 

The Curious Question of Polyamory

With traditional modes of sexual of conduct tossed out the door, we as a culture are more open to explore different ways to go about our bedroom business. That is a good thing because women are finally able to enjoy sex whereas before, sex mainly served men’s physical needs and women’s procreative ones. However, many couples can get bored of the monotony of monogamy and stray. For some, there is an itch that somehow cannot be scratched with the same partner night after night, year after year.

            As such some couples try to spice it up by bringing another or others into the bedroom. Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved (Thank you Wikipedia). Also called ethical non-monogamy, this trend is on the rise. Swinger clubs have popped up in just about every major metropolitan city. There are local facebook groups, online magazines (www.lovemore.com), books like “Open” by Jenny Block, the poly-bible “The Ethical Slut” by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt, all set up for people to meet, swap and exchange in and outside their relationship. With the puritanical church stepping aside, we are able to do just about anything with anyone as long as there is adult consent.

            There are only a few animals on earth that are naturally monogamous and humans, fortunately or unfortunately, are not. Polyamory subverts the notion to death or boredom do you part. It sounds good in theory though it does takes a very high level of consciousness in order to navigate the very difficult terrain of jealousy, insecurity, illusion, and compatibility that comes with bringing another into your bed. We are human after all, and with that, we all come with a lot neuroses and anxiety whether we like to admit it or not.

             It can work for couples but the only way that you can make this arrangement succeed is through sincere, honest, regular communication and trust with your primary partner. You will have to be brutally honest and aware of your feelings in a way that can be uncomfortable for a lot of people. Bringing others into your relationship can be enormously exciting, but like anything, if it is too hot, you can get burned.

            I remember a line from Arrested Development where Tobias said to Lindsay, “I have never seen an open relationship work. But maybe it can work for us”. It’s a funny line and rings true. I think that most people crave exciting intimacy (and fear boredom) and thus, are more willing to experiment. 

            For some, polyamory could be a way of avoiding other issues in the relationship- for instance, boredom, inability to commit, or a latent homosexual desire. For others, it is a real social experiment to see if they can in fact release their egos and celebrate an individual experience while learning more about themselves (sexually and otherwise) through a variety of partnerships. We have been sold monogamy since the dawn of time. Man plus woman equals marital bliss, so says the Church, Government and even Walt Disney. Though in reality, 50% of marriages end in divorce and of the 50% who stay married, even fewer would site that they are happily so.

            I have heard from some couples that it is the best thing that could have happened to their relationship and for others; it has caused the demise of what was once a loving, vibrant connection. Whatever you do, tread carefully. I am not saying Polyamory is a good thing or a bad thing. It is certainly not my place to get into your bedroom with my thoughts and opinions. Though if you are thinking about it, take some time to really think it through.

            
            Once you have crossed the line, it can be challenging to navigate backwards while maintaining the integrity of the relationship.        

Sex Through the Eyes of a Woman

Most people want better sex however, for a lot of men and women they don’t know how to articulate their needs in order for them to be met. That is a huge bummer. It can be awkward in the bedroom to be naked and vulnerable and then to reveal your deepest desire to the one you love most. Some women fear stepping outside of their wifely or motherly roles to turn into an unbridled sex kitten. Some men fear that their fantasies are harmful or just too taboo to expose.

     For the most part, men like a hard, hot, quick exchange. Men naturally have more testosterone than women so it is easier and faster for them to get up and go. Women, by pure biology, need time, a lot more time (around 30 minutes) to get to the place where men are most of the time. Many women will be compliant in the bedroom but will be deeply disappointed by their sexual feats. That is really sad. Everyone deserves to have deeply satisfying sex. Women can get off by a quick rough and tumble, but in the long run (after the love drugs of serotonin and dopamine dissipate), most women need a different kind of sexual exchange. It is ultimately uninspiring and downright painful to be pummeled night after night. That is why you so often hear that she has a headache, she is not in the mood, or she is tired. Friction causes sensation but also triggers you and her to lose sensitivity. Her body will physically reject you because friction will burn down sensitive tissues and cause pain. So what’s a guy to do?

     Well you could start by slowing down and let her warm up and commit deeply to the experience rather than the race to the finish line.  You might be thinking that you don’t have time for a long, languid sexual exchange or that you need the friction to get off. Have you ever tried containing your excitement so it does not boil over? Might be an interesting late night experiment and I imagine that she would definitely be game.  So often women’s sexual needs are a distant second to mans. This is not a criticism of men, it’s just the way it too often works. Until you goo, the game is incomplete so you pump on.

     Now here is where it gets interesting. Women, for the most part, want a slow burning love while at the same time want to seriously be taken by a man. Women want men to remain steady and firm in their masculine, powerful, directed energy so we can fully submit and become the receivers of that energy. That does not mean the jack hammer approach nor does it mean wimpy, lazy loving where you delegate all the responsibility to her. She wants to be ravished by you in a way that is safe and respectful and honors her biology and physiological make-up.

     It is obviously only a small tease of what you can do for her and does not even go into to what she can do for you. Treat it all with a playful curiosity to help you move out of the habitual groove of your love-making. Perhaps with a new set of tools, you can have hotter fireworks, a deeper spiritual connection, and exactly what you are looking for- more meaningful sex and lots of it.