With
traditional modes of sexual of conduct tossed out the door, we as a culture are
more open to explore different ways to go about our bedroom business. That is a
good thing because women are finally able to enjoy sex whereas before, sex
mainly served men’s physical needs and women’s procreative ones. However, many
couples can get bored of the monotony of monogamy and stray. For some, there is
an itch that somehow cannot be scratched with the same partner night after night,
year after year.
As such some couples try to spice it
up by bringing another or others into the bedroom. Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several]
and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more
than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of
everyone involved (Thank you Wikipedia). Also called ethical non-monogamy, this
trend is on the rise. Swinger clubs have popped up in just about every major
metropolitan city. There are local facebook groups, online magazines
(www.lovemore.com), books like “Open” by Jenny Block, the poly-bible “The
Ethical Slut” by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt, all set up for people to
meet, swap and exchange in and outside their relationship. With the puritanical
church stepping aside, we are able to do just about anything with anyone as
long as there is adult consent.
There are only a few animals on earth that are naturally
monogamous and humans, fortunately or unfortunately, are not. Polyamory subverts
the notion to death or boredom do you part. It sounds good in theory though it
does takes a very high level of consciousness in order to navigate the very
difficult terrain of jealousy, insecurity, illusion, and compatibility that
comes with bringing another into your bed. We are human after all, and with
that, we all come with a lot neuroses and anxiety whether we like to admit it
or not.
It can work for couples but the only way that you can
make this arrangement succeed is through sincere, honest, regular communication
and trust with your primary partner. You will have to be brutally honest and
aware of your feelings in a way that can be uncomfortable for a lot of people.
Bringing others into your relationship can be enormously exciting, but like
anything, if it is too hot, you can get burned.
I remember a line from Arrested
Development where Tobias said to Lindsay, “I have never seen an open
relationship work. But maybe it can work for us”. It’s a funny line and rings
true. I think that most people crave exciting intimacy (and fear boredom) and
thus, are more willing to experiment.
For some, polyamory could be a way
of avoiding other issues in the relationship- for instance, boredom, inability
to commit, or a latent homosexual desire. For others, it is a real social
experiment to see if they can in fact release their egos and celebrate an
individual experience while learning more about themselves (sexually and
otherwise) through a variety of partnerships. We have been sold monogamy since
the dawn of time. Man plus woman equals marital bliss, so says the Church,
Government and even Walt Disney. Though in reality, 50% of marriages end in
divorce and of the 50% who stay married, even fewer would site that they are
happily so.
I have heard from some couples that
it is the best thing that could have happened to their relationship and for
others; it has caused the demise of what was once a loving, vibrant connection.
Whatever you do, tread carefully. I am not saying Polyamory is a good thing or
a bad thing. It is certainly not my place to get into your bedroom with my
thoughts and opinions. Though if you are thinking about it, take some time to
really think it through.
Once you have crossed the line, it can be challenging to navigate backwards while maintaining the integrity of the relationship.
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