The Curious Question of Polyamory

With traditional modes of sexual of conduct tossed out the door, we as a culture are more open to explore different ways to go about our bedroom business. That is a good thing because women are finally able to enjoy sex whereas before, sex mainly served men’s physical needs and women’s procreative ones. However, many couples can get bored of the monotony of monogamy and stray. For some, there is an itch that somehow cannot be scratched with the same partner night after night, year after year.

            As such some couples try to spice it up by bringing another or others into the bedroom. Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved (Thank you Wikipedia). Also called ethical non-monogamy, this trend is on the rise. Swinger clubs have popped up in just about every major metropolitan city. There are local facebook groups, online magazines (www.lovemore.com), books like “Open” by Jenny Block, the poly-bible “The Ethical Slut” by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt, all set up for people to meet, swap and exchange in and outside their relationship. With the puritanical church stepping aside, we are able to do just about anything with anyone as long as there is adult consent.

            There are only a few animals on earth that are naturally monogamous and humans, fortunately or unfortunately, are not. Polyamory subverts the notion to death or boredom do you part. It sounds good in theory though it does takes a very high level of consciousness in order to navigate the very difficult terrain of jealousy, insecurity, illusion, and compatibility that comes with bringing another into your bed. We are human after all, and with that, we all come with a lot neuroses and anxiety whether we like to admit it or not.

             It can work for couples but the only way that you can make this arrangement succeed is through sincere, honest, regular communication and trust with your primary partner. You will have to be brutally honest and aware of your feelings in a way that can be uncomfortable for a lot of people. Bringing others into your relationship can be enormously exciting, but like anything, if it is too hot, you can get burned.

            I remember a line from Arrested Development where Tobias said to Lindsay, “I have never seen an open relationship work. But maybe it can work for us”. It’s a funny line and rings true. I think that most people crave exciting intimacy (and fear boredom) and thus, are more willing to experiment. 

            For some, polyamory could be a way of avoiding other issues in the relationship- for instance, boredom, inability to commit, or a latent homosexual desire. For others, it is a real social experiment to see if they can in fact release their egos and celebrate an individual experience while learning more about themselves (sexually and otherwise) through a variety of partnerships. We have been sold monogamy since the dawn of time. Man plus woman equals marital bliss, so says the Church, Government and even Walt Disney. Though in reality, 50% of marriages end in divorce and of the 50% who stay married, even fewer would site that they are happily so.

            I have heard from some couples that it is the best thing that could have happened to their relationship and for others; it has caused the demise of what was once a loving, vibrant connection. Whatever you do, tread carefully. I am not saying Polyamory is a good thing or a bad thing. It is certainly not my place to get into your bedroom with my thoughts and opinions. Though if you are thinking about it, take some time to really think it through.

            
            Once you have crossed the line, it can be challenging to navigate backwards while maintaining the integrity of the relationship.        

Sex Through the Eyes of a Woman

Most people want better sex however, for a lot of men and women they don’t know how to articulate their needs in order for them to be met. That is a huge bummer. It can be awkward in the bedroom to be naked and vulnerable and then to reveal your deepest desire to the one you love most. Some women fear stepping outside of their wifely or motherly roles to turn into an unbridled sex kitten. Some men fear that their fantasies are harmful or just too taboo to expose.

     For the most part, men like a hard, hot, quick exchange. Men naturally have more testosterone than women so it is easier and faster for them to get up and go. Women, by pure biology, need time, a lot more time (around 30 minutes) to get to the place where men are most of the time. Many women will be compliant in the bedroom but will be deeply disappointed by their sexual feats. That is really sad. Everyone deserves to have deeply satisfying sex. Women can get off by a quick rough and tumble, but in the long run (after the love drugs of serotonin and dopamine dissipate), most women need a different kind of sexual exchange. It is ultimately uninspiring and downright painful to be pummeled night after night. That is why you so often hear that she has a headache, she is not in the mood, or she is tired. Friction causes sensation but also triggers you and her to lose sensitivity. Her body will physically reject you because friction will burn down sensitive tissues and cause pain. So what’s a guy to do?

     Well you could start by slowing down and let her warm up and commit deeply to the experience rather than the race to the finish line.  You might be thinking that you don’t have time for a long, languid sexual exchange or that you need the friction to get off. Have you ever tried containing your excitement so it does not boil over? Might be an interesting late night experiment and I imagine that she would definitely be game.  So often women’s sexual needs are a distant second to mans. This is not a criticism of men, it’s just the way it too often works. Until you goo, the game is incomplete so you pump on.

     Now here is where it gets interesting. Women, for the most part, want a slow burning love while at the same time want to seriously be taken by a man. Women want men to remain steady and firm in their masculine, powerful, directed energy so we can fully submit and become the receivers of that energy. That does not mean the jack hammer approach nor does it mean wimpy, lazy loving where you delegate all the responsibility to her. She wants to be ravished by you in a way that is safe and respectful and honors her biology and physiological make-up.

     It is obviously only a small tease of what you can do for her and does not even go into to what she can do for you. Treat it all with a playful curiosity to help you move out of the habitual groove of your love-making. Perhaps with a new set of tools, you can have hotter fireworks, a deeper spiritual connection, and exactly what you are looking for- more meaningful sex and lots of it.

            

Man On Top - Modern Masculinity

          The times, they are a’ changing for men and modern masculinity. From media’s supposition that men are buffoons or predators, to the reports that boys are dropping out from school on mass, to men’s debilitating fear that they are loosing their quintessential masculine traits because they don’t hunt, fight or go to war like their grandfathers did,  men now are left to figure a lot out on their own. So, some guys are getting waxed, quaffed and manicured, some dudes are learning how to build stuff from scratch, while other brothers are just lonely, sitting in their basements masturbating to online porn.  

            Through my own, uh, experience with the opposite sex, I had my own fair share of disappointments and near murderous encounters to try to understand, love and live with men. All of that provided me with a great deal of ammunition and research as to the trends concerning modern men, gender roles and simple ways to adjust behaviour in order for men to stand tall, be proud and to start consciously living their dreams.

What are men to do?

            And that is what has lead me to here, to a blog, a website, and a book all trying to support men in achieving more meaning and happiness in their own lives, more balance in their relationships and a return to a by-gone era where men were strong, powerful protectors and providers, now with a modern flair.

            Here is the thing, when my girlfriends and cheesy rom-com movies say that men are womanizers, lecherous beasts, manipulators or worse, I always believed two things; that 1) men are simply misunderstood by women and 2) that I genuinely love men. I love the way they smell, their ingenuity, their wicked sex appeal that leaves me weak in the knees. I see that men are struggling to understand where they fit in the world when feminism has left a lot of men without power or purpose. I see men trying to adapt to a whole new set of responsibilities in parenting and domestic duties where previously, that was strictly regarded as women’s work. I see that there a lot of men who are adapting and changing but may not have the in-set support network to guide them through the process. That can be a pretty lonely, humbling process.

What the ladies think

            I believe in your strength and ability. As a woman, I don’t want to have another tequila-fuelled, tear-soaked evening with my girlfriends about how another man did her wrong. I think that with some simple codes of conduct, a little insight as to how our lady minds work and a healthy dose of integrity, kindness and compassion, we can all work to make this world more loving for all of us to live in and celebrate our true masculine and true feminine natures.

A Village of Solidarity

            My desire in writing this blog is to help to form a community of conscious men who are looking to stand side by side with their brothers and “be all they can be”.

            In the weeks that follow, you will find questions and surveys that help to get a better idea of what other men are thinking and doing in today’s changing world. You will find snippets from my book, Man on Top, and the occasional article that will seek to inspire, enlighten, tickle you to move.

            I look forward to your questions and comments. Know I am on your side, here to help you in any way I can, like a big older sister who loves her Bro, and wants to guide him with some essentials on life. Giddy up cowboy, its time to ride.